i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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