so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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