god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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