My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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