So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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