John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
