She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
