Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
