Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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