life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
