Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
