Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
