Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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