i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
