Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
