I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
