Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
