1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
