I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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