Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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