Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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