the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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