so let's talk penis.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
do nipples grow back?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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