Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Duck Duck Cougar?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
