What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
