i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
