i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
