I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
