Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
