i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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