it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
