I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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