His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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