I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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