Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
