How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sorry my hands just texted you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
