be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
