you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
