My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
