i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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