i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
