I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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