am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
