but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
