i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
