I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
