I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
