after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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