Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
