Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
