I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
