alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
