Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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