please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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