Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
